Tag: Mental Health

Walking Away From Mean Girl Energy at Any Age

For as long as I live, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to wrap my head around the mentality of a mean girl. Having been a spectator to the many ways a person can be affected by this form of bullying, I have learned the hard way how even the smallest things can trigger repressed pain. Cruelty that can never be allayed by the words “I’m sorry.” Choices made without ever realizing how you’ve made another person feel. It breaks my heart to think about how prevalent this is in our world and how the widespread use of social media has made a bad thing worse.

Are Mean Girls Born or Are They Created? 

Throwing out the question of nature versus nurture leaves me baffled. I have always believed that children are born a blank slate, slowly becoming influenced by genetics and experiences. And yet, even in preschool settings you can find examples of girls who act naturally kind and inclusive, while others exude selfish and boorish behavior. Is it possible for a 3-year-old girl to innately possess and display such hurtful conduct, or are they mimicking behavior they learned at home? For this reason, it’s so important we teach our children empathy at a young age. 

Unsavory Experiences Have Stayed With Me

As a young girl, my family moved many times during my middle school and high school years, always putting me in the position of being the new kid. Each time I started a new school, the same scene would take place. The girls would give me the once over, assessing whether I was worthy of their friendship. Did I wear the right clothes? Was I cool enough? Which group would I best fit into? Meanwhile, all I wanted was to find someone to eat lunch with so I wouldn’t have to eat alone.

Seeing My Kids Be Victims Was Much Worse 

I thought I had it bad until I saw the 21st-century version of this behavior inflicted upon my own children. Social media brought to light everything they were missing out on: Parties they weren’t invited to, weekend trips they were left out of, and even girls they thought were their friends suddenly deciding there were much better people worth spending time with. Having to live with snubs and disappointments can leave a child with cumulative pain, especially when a hurtful scenario repeats itself over and over again.

I Realized Mean Girls Turn Into Mean Women

Now that I am in my 50s, I have come to the realization that the only path some mean girls will take is to turn into mean women. My mother is almost 80 and she is still dealing with some of this all-too-recognizable behavior. Groups of friends excluding an undesirable woman along with the timeless practice of talking behind her back. And if that weren’t bad enough, when my then-90-year-old grandmother moved into an assisted living facility, the first people she encountered were the mean women who would not allow her to sit at their table to eat her meals. So if any of us think there is an ultimate cure for mean girls, I think we might be deluding ourselves.

Surviving Mean Girl Energy 

Age can often bring wisdom, which was much appreciated when I woke up one day and decided to embrace my power in choosing who I wanted to be friends with. At that point, the bullies in my sphere were probably more of the passive aggressive variety, but it was time for their bad energy to go. No more drama. Only people who were non-judgmental and fun. Friends I could laugh with and who accepted me for who I was. And as my circle of friends changed to fit the new me, it felt great to discover that I had women in my life who could be supportive and kind. No more settling for anything but a mature and healthy female friendship because it turns out that having the right women in your life can actually be quite awesome.

The Bottom Line 

Sadly, some mean girls are here to stay. Even if you are somehow spared in childhood and adolescence, one could be lurking around the turn of any decade. It might help to remember that a lot of this behavior stems from insecurity — theirs and yours. Time is supposed to be a helpful factor, but some will never break free from the desire to make themselves feel better by hurting the people around them. That’s why it’s so important to grow from the experiences and find empowerment on the flip side of the pain. Because when you get to the finish line of owning and controlling your own life, a mean girl will never be able to hurt you again.

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

Posted on by Shari Brauner 0

Strengthening Kindness Through Mourning

Sometimes it takes the worst tragedies imaginable to shake people outside of themselves. Our world can seem so divided until something happens to flip an ingrained behavior or narrative on its head. We’ve all lived through 9/11 and the ups and downs of the coronavirus, but in my experience, one of the worst things someone can be forced to endure is the loss of a child. It’s a moment in time that can forever decimate life as you know it.

Once upon a time when my oldest son was in first grade, I had my first encounter with a family faced with this kind of horrific nightmare. Their 6-year-old daughter was diagnosed with a brain tumor that was operable, but most likely terminal. I would never be able to describe the ashen faces that walked around our elementary school almost every single day after Katie’s diagnosis. But along with visible heartbreak came a level of compassion I was only beginning to understand. People from all walks of life learned to respect a family’s privacy while offering support and comfort through a journey that would last six years. It was a miraculous coming together that I wish could be mirrored in today’s polarized society.

That family’s life obviously never returned to normal, but things in our town most definitely did. Busy families resumed lives that were all-consumed with obligations and activities that often cloud the reality of how fragile life can be. And then it happened again. Another child in town was diagnosed with a horrible form of cancer, this one in my daughter’s grade. Ian’s battle was shorter but no less heartbreaking. He was a brilliant high school student with his whole life ahead of him, until it was stolen by a cruel disease. Once again, the town pulled together with the utmost respect for the privacy of a grieving family. 

I have three children and a superstition about things happening in threes, but I never expected the events that would unfold only a few years later. Six boys who my youngest son had grown up with decided to drive around together on a rainy fall night. Wet leaves are tricky for drivers with experience, but for newly licensed 17-year-olds, they are the most unpleasant kind of surprise. These were good kids who had nothing in their systems but the desire for some innocent fun. Unfortunately, the car went into a skid and ejected one of the passengers straight into a tree, killing him instantly. The other boys sustained treatable injuries, but Nick’s passing hit the town with a magnitude that I had never seen.

“It is encouraging to see compassion is still out there wherever it might be needed. Our community does not stand alone in being full of good people who can jump into action when given the opportunity.”

This time I knew the family well, but by some indescribable phenomenon, it felt like everyone in town felt just as close to them. Hundreds came to the wake whether they knew them personally or not and did not hesitate to include the other five families who would never be the same after that horrific night. The mayor organized an evening vigil on the high school football field that allowed all of the boys who were in the car to speak about losing their friend as our community embraced them in a circle of love. Visitors streamed into Nick’s home for months as it became a place for his friends and everyone else to keep his memory alive. The family never turned away any acts of kindness, leading to the start of new friendships and adding to bonds that only grew stronger. The end goal was to ease the family’s pain and loss, but deep down we all knew that this kind of broken heart is impossible to repair.

Almost five years later, we have continued to see unimaginable tragedies in our town taking children far too soon. Suicides, drug overdoses, a congenital heart defect, and even a college shooting have touched families in this town year after year. One would think we would all be numb at this point, but the response has been just the opposite. Time and time again, the outpouring of love and support is always there. It’s like the rest of the world stops so each family can receive whatever they might need to help ease their shock and pain. 

The flipside to having so many parents in town who have lost children has been the opportunity to pay the experience forward. Grieving mothers can comfort other grieving mothers in ways that others could never duplicate. With that in mind, these families came together and started their own support group now known as The Mahwah Angels. Thanks to videoconferencing, they have been able to speak once a week to help each other with their own personal form of grief counseling. It’s a special community that no one would ever want an invitation to, but the fact that these moms and dads have joined together to foster even the smallest amount of healing is truly amazing.

It is encouraging to see compassion is still out there wherever it might be needed. Our community does not stand alone in being full of good people who can jump into action when given the opportunity. Most don’t need a tragedy to lead by example, but there are some circumstances that will always pull at the universal heartstrings. In this town, we have seen too many of them, but the result has been a comfort in knowing that kindness can still prevail.

Posted on by Shari Brauner 0

A Special Mask

Before we can fully move forward into a life outside of our pandemic-related boundaries, I feel like it’s going to be important for us to take stock in the people who have helped us get through the past year. In my personal experience, as my world grew smaller, I found myself getting closer to a handful of friends. I have one friend in particular who is someone I have been close to since we were 16 years old. Scott has fought anxiety issues for decades, so this past year was particularly difficult for him. We talked and saw each other more frequently than we had in a long time (either by phone or in a socially distanced setting). Even though there were times when he needed my support more than I needed his, I became extremely grateful to share some of the isolating quiet with him on a consistent basis.

After Scott received his first vaccine, he offered me something that I found to be extremely heartfelt. As I was preparing to travel to Florida to see my parents, he made a special trip to deliver one of his highly effective masks for me to wear on the plane. His investment in my safety spoke volumes and opened my eyes to a level of thoughtfulness that would be difficult to imagine before the pandemic.

The trip south went flawlessly. I felt safe staying with my vaccinated parents and was able to schedule my own vaccine upon returning to New Jersey. It all seemed like a win-win until I returned home and took a COVID test the day before my vaccine. The results were positive, but days later I would learn that I had received a false positive. Scott kept me distracted from the stress of moving out of my house and worrying that things could get even worse if I started to show any symptoms. Thankfully, I got a negative rapid test the following day and a negative PCR result a few days after that. Scott was right there with me, just as we had been for each other through a year of lockdown.

“The struggle that brought some of us closer could just as easily rip us apart now if we are suddenly on a different page from the friends and family we took this journey with.”

Two months later I am fully vaccinated and most parts of our country appear to be reopening. While I am thrilled, it is highly noticeable that everyone is having a different reaction to emerging from what life became over the past year. Some are taking it slow, others are diving headfirst, and many are struggling with intense anxiety and fear. The struggle that brought some of us closer could just as easily rip us apart now if we are suddenly on a different page from the friends and family we took this journey with. Just like the squares on a Zoom call, not everyone is ready to put their cameras on and fully engage on the next task at hand.

As we embark on a readjustment phase, I sincerely hope that empathy and kindness can lead the way forward. There are those who will remain unvaccinated, those who can’t handle the sudden social stimulation, and those who are just afraid that they will still get sick and die. The one thing we all have in common is that we got through the last year, but each story will remain an individual one. I still see friends suffering in different ways, and I am committed to trying to help them with whatever they need without inflicting judgment on how they find their way to feeling more comfortable in a less restricted environment.

Scott came to my house for the first time a few weeks ago and we ate dinner inside with the sliding glass door open behind us. Before he left, he gave me a new mask to travel with as I was about to get on a plane to bring my son home from college. Anxiety is still very much on his radar, but the fact that he continues to put my safety at the top of his priority list touches me in ways I have no words for. This kind of loyalty and true friendship is a gift that I treasure even more now. I can only hope that the difficulties of dealing with the past year have brought others to moments of meaningful perspective. We need to be good to each other and to acknowledge that the challenges of life in a pandemic somehow fostered many unforeseen ways to bring out the best in people.

Posted on by Shari Brauner 0